Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about struggle — how often we say “the struggle is real” as a kind of shorthand for the everyday annoyances and responsibilities that pile up. But I’ve been wondering… is the struggle real? Or do we sometimes want it to feel hard because that’s the story we’re used to telling?

That question landed differently for me after a moment at the meditation retreat I attended. During a break, the lead monk — who has been teaching compassion in America for twenty years — shared a story. He said that in his experience, 80% of our suffering is exaggeration.

I swear he said it directly to me.

He described someone sitting comfortably in a lazy boy with their air‑conditioned home, watching the news, complaining about what they see. “This,” he said, “is not suffering.”

I don’t have a lazy boy, so the visual didn’t quite match my life, but the message did: most of the suffering in my life is created in my mind.

Struggle Vs. Suffer – What’s the difference?

That sent me down a rabbit hole. What’s the difference between struggle and suffering? Are they the same? When I looked it up, I found that suffering is the internal experience — the emotional or mental pain — while struggling is the effort we put into overcoming something hard. They’re related, but not interchangeable. You can struggle without suffering, and you can suffer without actually struggling.

That distinction opened something for me. The struggle can be real. The suffering doesn’t have to be.

And if that’s true, then maybe I can rewrite the script for the 80% that’s self‑created.

Before I jump into “here’s how to change your entire mindset,” I want to start with curiosity. I love data — real numbers, patterns, evidence. Even as a generally happy person, I’m curious about the ways my logical brain or ego might be creating unnecessary suffering. So I started paying attention.

And honestly? I didn’t have to look far.

My husband and I recently hit some big life markers, and it’s made us reevaluate things we’ve been quietly suffering through for years. One of those things is our cabin. We’ve owned it for over a decade, and for several years I’ve complained about the state of it to anyone who would listen. It was packed with decades of someone else’s belongings, and every time I walked into the attic, I felt overwhelmed.

This is the same cabin we’re preparing to rotate into for everyday living.

When the monk talked about exaggerated suffering, this was the first thing that came to mind. I’ve been telling myself the same story for years: It’s too much. We’ll never get through it. There’s no time. I’m tired of sorting someone else’s things.

It’s a heavy story. And it’s one I’ve repeated so often that it became a belief.

The ABC Method

So I decided to use the ABC Method — a tool created by Dr. Ellis in the 1950s — to reframe it.

A: Activator. We need to decide what to do with this mountain of stuff and actually do it.

B: Beliefs. My old beliefs sounded like: We’ll never finish. There’s not enough time. This is too much for us. Why do I have to do this?

C: Consequence. Avoidance. Overwhelm. Zero progress. More exaggerated suffering.

So I reframed.

I kept the same activator — the stuff isn’t going anywhere — but I questioned the beliefs. Are they true? Where’s the data? The last time we were at the cabin, we actually made a lot of progress. There’s still plenty to do, but not nearly as much as the story in my head. We can create a plan. We can share the load. We can ask for help. We can even make it fun.

And the new consequences? We filled two contractor‑sized bags with trash. We chose a space to tackle first. It’s already halfway empty. We’re seeing what we actually have instead of imagining the worst.

I also realized part of the heaviness came from our values. We’re intentional about what we buy, and we don’t believe in throwing away perfectly good things. Even though we didn’t purchase these items, it still feels wrong to toss them. So we’re finding ways to give them a second life — many are still in their original packaging.

Will it still be a struggle to sort through everything? Probably. But I refuse to suffer through it.

So now I’m asking myself — and you — a new question: What beliefs are creating unnecessary suffering in your life?

Approach them with curiosity, not judgment. Be gentle. And remember: the struggle may be real, but the suffering doesn’t have to be.

Stay curious.